Self-care & caregiving

Yes we are parents, but actually we are so much more than just parents.  We have taken on the extra role of caregiver, which makes our journey even more complex.  What I find happening a lot with my clients is that in caregiving, we forget about our own well-being.  Even I forget sometimes and I coach people on this for a living.  I have to constantly remind myself and my clients that balancing self-care with caregiving is not just important, it’s vital for both you and your child’s overall health and happiness.

You know when you are tired, you get overwhelmed by everything a lot quicker than if you are well-rested.  I was just telling the story this week about Max making a toiletry soup in the bath.  I like to think that we have a good handle on watching him.  He is never out of sight for more than a few minutes.  Yet he had the time to pour powder, cleanser, mouthwash, creams and some makeup in the bath and then gleefully ran to the kitchen to dispose of all the empty containers in the bin!   When I saw the mess, I just slumped down on the floor and cried and believe me I had some murderous thoughts towards him as well as feeling so discouraged and frustrated.

Self-care & caregiving

I allowed myself a little bit of a pity party, but then my rational brain kicked in and reminded me that it was not the toiletry soup that was making me feel all these things, but rather my thoughts about it and about Max.  Now this is really where coaching comes in handy to remind me that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and thoughts.  And of course, I didn’t want to murder Max and I didn’t want to be mad at him or shout at him either. 

I wanted to show up as a loving, compassionate parent.  I also recognized that my feelings of discouragement and frustration were also due to not getting enough rest the night before. 

It’s really easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism when you are constantly juggling the demands of caregiving.  I might have thought I did not have my eye on the ball or I “should have….” done something different.  However, it’s crucial to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.  Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that it is ok to prioritize your own needs.  Luckily we did have some downtime planned the next day by going out for lunch and getting a massage.

Make a list of the things

I always encourage my clients to make a list of the things they like to do that they enjoy, or things that they can do that relax them.  So take some time to reflect on what your needs and desires are and then what activities bring you joy and fulfillment.  Because Max is incredibly active, my downtime looks like sitting quietly with a book or a meal out.  To others it would be meeting up with friends or going to see a show.  So whether it is reading a book, going for a walk or indulging in a hobby, carving out the time for yourself is absolutely essential for maintaining your well-being.

You all know I love scheduling my time, because for me that means I know that everything is taken care of, I very rarely forget anything and I put in my self-care and things that are a priority for me and my dreams.  This also means that I automatically set boundaries for maintaining balance between caregiving and self-care.  When something comes up and it does not fit into your schedule, learn to say no to those additional commitments that may just overwhelm you and rather prioritise your activities that nourish your mind, body and soul.  Now sometimes you may get requests that you really want to take up and that’s ok.  Your schedule is not set in stone, there is room for movement, but be mindful of your priorities.

It is imperative that you reach out to friends, family or support groups who understand your unique challenges with your child

Right now, I do not have family around or friends that can help me, but we have found the most amazing babysitters for Max when we want some time out.  They are so good with him and understand his needs perfectly and I feel so much peace of mind knowing that Max is well cared for, while I am taking care of myself.  There is no shame in getting support.

Self-care & caregiving

I do also find that I am a lot calmer when I have done a bit of meditating.  Now I don’t get time every day to meditate, but nothing stops me from taking a break every now and again and just do some breathing exercises.  Incorporating mindfulness practices into your daily routine can help you stay grounded and present in the moment.  So whether it’s meditation, deep breathing exercise, or simply taking a few moments to savour a cup of tea, mindfulness can help reduce stress and enhance your overall well-being.

When a day has been hectic, I often find myself staying up past my bedtime just to savour some alone, quiet time.  While I know that quality sleep is essential for both physical and mental health, I do find I enjoy those quiet moments.  Make sleep a priority by establishing a relaxing bedtime routine and creating a conducive sleep environment.  If possible, enlist the help of your partner, if you have one, to share nighttime caregiving responsibilities.  So my husband takes the morning shift as Max often wakes up at 4am.  He will keep Max busy and give him breakfast, while giving me some much needed extra sleeping time.

Schedule for self-care activities

As mentioned above, block out dedicated time in your schedule for self-care activities.  Treat it as if it is your job, a non-negotiable and use it to recharge your batteries and nurture yourself.  Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary for being the best parent and caregiver you can be.

Something you should remind yourself of everyday is to have an attitude of gratitude.  This can be really difficult when your child is challenging, but that is when this practice is most effective.  When Max is particularly active and bouncing around like a ball, I remember how I felt when he was lying in hospital hooked up to so many tubes and wishing for the day that he was well enough to bounce around.  Take a moment each day to reflect on the things that you are grateful for, whether it is the love of your family, support of your friends or the resilience of your child.

Lastly, stay flexible.  Remember that finding balance is an ongoing process that requires flexibility and adaptability.  Be willing to adjust your approach as needed and recognize that self-care looks different for everyone.  Trust yourself to find what works best for you and your family.

Till next week

A

Xxx

Self-care & caregiving

You are strong and versatile, yet you struggle with putting yourself and your self-care first. You seem to always be feeling tired and overwhelmed. I can help you put that in the past, help you get your energy and mojo back by creating the perfect self-care protocol just for you.  Sign up for a consult and we can talk about working together. Email me at antoinette@lliautism.net

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