Defiant behaviour

What to do when your autistic child seems to present defiant behaviour.  It can stem from various factors including difficulties with communication, sensory sensitivities and the need for routine.  Recognising which you are dealing with is the first step in helping your child manage these behaviours.

Our kids love a consistent routine because it provides a sense of security and predictability for your child.  Try to maintain regular times for meals, play and bedtime even when your kids are on holiday.

Use simple, clear language and visual aids to communicate expectations and instructions.  Even repeating yourself in a soft, calm manner will be helpful.

It is important to reward positive behaviours with praise, stickers or small treats.  Reinforcing good behaviours can encourage your child to repeat wanted behaviours.

Helping your child develop skills to manage their emotions, by naming the emotion and explaining why they are having the emotion.

Being patient with your autistic child, even while they are having defiant behaviour shows that you are there for them and that they are safe. 

All my love

Antoinette

Acceptance

One of my philosophies on this journey is to make it as easy as possible for you.  Why make it harder when we are already dealing with a lot.  Of course there are a lot of people who don’t believe life or what they are experiencing can be easy.  But it is possible and your thinking here is the key to changing everything.

I am not saying that everything will always be easy, but you can choose your hard and you can choose your easy.  (I can see you shaking your head….but this is the work we do within my 1:1 coaching container).  One of the things I help most of my parents of autism work through is acceptance.  Acceptance of autism and acceptance of their child and what needs to be done.  Now I am not saying that accepting autism means that you just “condone” it.  No it means that we have something to work with, we are going to do what is best within our circumstances.

We are going to find answers and make changes.  But unless you have accepted what is going on, you are not going to take the inspired action you need for your child and yourself.  You will not be open to any possibilities or growth.  Acceptance allows you to take a step forward, it allows you to be clear and decisive.  It allows us to be fierce warriors for our children.

All my love

Antoinette

What are you solving?

As a parent of an autistic child we are always trying to find ways to do different things, to make things easier, to cope and to solve problems.  And we have a lot of those in our lives.  I want to encourage you to think of them not as problems though, but rather as puzzles or games.  I am not really one for games although I do love a good word game and a puzzle.  The thought of solving a puzzle or figuring out the rules of a game and then playing it hard is so much more fun than trying to solve a problem.  Wouldn’t you agree?

Thinking of a problem and its solution, feels heavy and hard and with the possibility of not getting a good end result is just downright demoralizing.  However, thinking of a puzzle or game, you are much more likely to come at it from a place of curiosity and, dare I say, a bit of fun.  Yes of course you want a good outcome.  You want to win the game, but if you don’t you won’t think of it as losing, merely as something you tried that did not work out and now you can try the next thing.

Some of the puzzles we are trying to find answers to could be how to potty train our child, or how to get them to listen to us, or how to get them to have a more varied diet.  Tackling these puzzles with a sense of curiosity and learning will lead to far better results that trying one thing, it not working and then we just give up.  Trying and learning to find the answers to these puzzles can be fun.

All my love

You can have it all

Having it all may seem like a pipe dream as a parent of an autistic child, what with all the challenges and variables we have to deal with.  But I want you to try on the belief that it is possible.  It is possible that your child can grow and thrive and be quite independent, which is often a very big worry for us.  It is also possible for you to have a life of joy, ease and more fulfilling.

A mistake we often make as parents is that we give our kids a pass, because they have autism, because it is different for them to learn the simplest things.  I have done the very same thing and it is quite normal.  We have been dealt a hand we are not sure how to handle, we often read things that say our kids are doomed and will not lead normal lives and we are scared.  The one thing we do when we are scared, is well….nothing.

We feel stuck and confused and this makes us just act in a realm of survival, but there is another way.  We can take charge of the situation and make some really great decisions and we can help our babies be happy, to communicate and to be independent.  You can do that for your child and in taking action for them, you take action of your own life and create the most enriching life.

All my love

Spending time with kids

Do you like spending time with your kids?  It’s OK if you don’t.  They can be pretty demanding, especially autistic kids.  Often we are just glorified babysitters, because they are often not yet verbal, they are super energetic or they have odd behaviours like lining up their toys or in my case, pushing around a couple of suitcases.  The same applies to our kids as they do to neurotypical kids, it’s is the quality of time that you spend with them and not the quantity.  However, because of who I kids are we probably do spend a lot more time with them.

The most important thing to do first, is to get your mindset ready to spend time with your child.  Just be open to what that may look like.  Do you follow them around or do you play games that mostly consist of building and breaking down blocks or do you sing with them?  Whatever it looks like for you, be open to doing just that while you are spending time with them.  We can get frustrated or overwhelmed or despondent if we are trying to do other things at the same time and we get interrupted by our little ones, because they want our attention.

Put aside that specific time for them and do your thing with them.  You may even try educational games, sing songs or play acting with them, while you have their attention.  My son has a habit of taking my hand and pushing me into a chair in the room he wants to be in, just as long as I am there.  It may be for 5 minutes or an hour.  Most he leads me to the fridge for a snack.

If you do get a chance to do other things, just remember that they take priority over anything else in this time.  If you are in this mindset, both of you will enjoy your time together.

All my love

Antoinette

Create a sanctuary

Creating a sanctuary is so important for yourself and your child.  Being a parent to an autistic child is not an easy job at the best of times, full of joy often, but not easy.  In order for you as the parent to really thrive and be in your best vibe, you need to take care of yourself.  This means taking creating a sanctuary for yourself.  I don’t just mean a physical place, although this is important, I am also talking about an emotional sanctuary.

This looks like paying attention to how you are thinking about yourself and your child.  If you have negative limiting beliefs, you are going to start feeling overwhelmed, frazzled, teary, sad and frustrated.  All these the emotions are changeable, which is good news.  By thinking better thoughts like:  I can do this, I am doing the best I can, I am an amazing advocate for my child, I love my child, I am learning how to be with autism.  All these thoughts will most likely make you feel loving, powerful, at peace and strong.

A client of mine often takes a bit of time out by sitting in the car and reading or watching a bit of Netflix.  Perhaps it is waking up 15 minutes before your child just to enjoy a peaceful cup of coffee and maybe some journaling.  All these are examples of creating mental sanctuary for yourself.  Make a list of a few things that you enjoy and that you know creates a bit of time out for you.

Doing this is not selfish, it is a non-negotiable.  Your self-care is important, because without you, your child will not thrive and a calm mama means a calm child.

Lots of love

Antoinette

Vision board

One of the things I would like to do in the new month, is to create a vision board.  I haven’t done one in years, but am quite excited to do one now.  As a parent of autism, I want to incorporate more focus, inspiration and motivation specifically tailored to my life.

Because we are so busy with therapies and appointments and educational decisions, we can lose sight of our own goals and aspirations.  But we can also include what we would like the outcome to be of the various things we are doing for our children.  So not just your own goals, but also those of your child.  Looking at the long-term objectives, beyond the immediate challenges you face.

A vision board can also provide a tangible representation of hope and positivity.  By including images, quotes and affirmations that bring up feelings of joy, gratitude and optimism, we can cultivate a more resilient mindset and empowering us to face challenges with greater strength.

It is more than just a collage of pretty pictures, it is a powerful tool for goal setting and manifestation.  Setting intentions relating to our child’s progress, family dynamics, self-care and personal growth can be inspiring.  Ask yourself what you could put on your vision board that will motivate you to really help your child and get them to independence.

It can also be a bonding experience for your family, especially if you have neurotypical kids or older kids, which you could involve in the process.  You can allow them to contribute their own symbols of joy, comfort and growth.  It will foster a sense of unity and shared purpose.

Lastly, a vision board serves as a daily reminder of what we are working towards as parents, motivating us to take consistent action towards your goals.  We could be advocating for our child’s needs, seeking out new therapies or prioritizing self-care and having the visual representation of our dreams helps us even on our toughest days.

All my love

Antoinette

Meltdowns

I have had several people reach out to me about their autistic baby having meltdowns and not only is this hard to witness, it is hard for us as parents too.  Like everything about autism, it is easier to handle when we accept.  Our kids are not going to handle hard times as well as neurotypical kids.  The quicker we can calm ourselves down in such a situation, the better we can help our babies.

Be curious, what is happening in your environment?  What triggers are you sensing that are contributing to your child’s meltdown.  It could be sensory, noises, lights, smells, they could be trying to get out of something or want something.  You know your child the best.  Pay attention and try to figure out what it is all about.  Having this information is key to helping your child.  Yet, being in your own head or worrying about what other people are thinking is not going to help you figure this out.

While you are in the thick of a meltdown, it often helps to speak to them in a soothing tone and letting them know that you are there for them and that they are OK.  Being a calm parent fosters a calm child.  They need to know that you are in control, because they can’t be, they look to you.  Often they are out and about and have a meltdown when they get home, which just means that they have been keeping it together for a while and once they reach the safe space of home, they can let go, knowing that you are there for them.

You are not doing anything wrong.  You are strong and you can figure out how to be curious about meltdowns and then helping prevent them or handling them beautifully for your child.  You’ve got this.

All my love

Antoinette

Feeling discouraged

At one point or another in our autism journey we are going to feel discouraged, in fact I can guarantee it will happen more often than not.  We may be trying to teach our child to potty train or not elope or do the simplest things and they are just not getting it.  We get frustrated and discouraged.

Knowing that these feelings come up is actually a good thing because it means that we can prepare for them and deal with them effectively.  Notice I said, deal with them and not push them away or not have them at all.   The first thing is noticing the feeling, naming it and when it feels particularly bad, feeling it in your body.  Where is it located?  What shape is it?  What colour is it? And then just sit with the feeling, unpleasant as it is.  You will start noticing that it becomes lighter very quickly and eventually it goes away on its own.

Next is noticing how you are reacting when you feel discouraged.  Do you give up?  Do you pile anger on top of it? Do you walk away?  Do you think that your child is not capable of learning anything new?  Probably all of the above, right?  The outcome of this is your child does not learn and you don’t figure out how to teach them.

But it can be different.  If you start feeling discouraged, take a deep breathe and try on some better thoughts.  You could be thinking:  My child is capable and very intelligent and can learn anything.  My child just needs a bit more time to get the hang of it.  How can I make this learning experience fun for myself and my child?  See how these thoughts feel better already?  Notice that your feeling starts to change to one of optimism, determination, love and even patience.

The result of thinking and feeling this way, is that your child is way more likely to get what you are trying to teach them or you get to find out how your child learns best.  One of my thoughts/questions that really keeps me going is:  If it takes Max 3 months to learn how to do this thing, would I stop trying at 2.5 months?  No way!  I would keep going.  I want you to keep going with love and determination, because your child is worth it.

All my love

Antoinette

Autonomy

This topic is close to my heart and I am sure it will be for you too and that is empowering our autistic children to develop autonomy. 

As a parent, we want what is best for our kids and fostering independence is a huge part of their growth and development.  However, when it comes to kids on the spectrum, empowering them to take charge of their lives can sometimes feel like navigating uncharted waters.  But it is doable, with patience, understanding and the right approach, we can help them blossom into confident, self-reliant children.

Allow your child the freedom to freely engage in activities of their choice.  Let them explore and express themselves.  Offering them choices, even small ones, gives your child a sense of control over their lives.  It often causes them a lot of anxiety when they feel they do not have a choice in what they are doing.  Offer options whenever possible, such as what to wear, choice of snacks or activity to do during playtime.  Keep it simple though, give them a choice between two outfits, for example.  We also do not want them to become overwhelmed.

When your child shows interest in learning something, assist them by breaking the task down into smaller more manageable steps as complex tasks can be overwhelming for them.  Celebrate each little achievement along the way, which will not only build their confidence, but also teach them problem-solving skills.

Max, my son, is very food driven.  So a lot of his words are foodie words and sometimes he gets so excited he adds a few more words to the mix eg he will ask us to “open the cheese” but then throw in “code” which he needs for the iPad and “airport” which of course has been the topic in our family the last few months.  Encourage their communication, whether it’s through speech, sign language, pictures or gestures.  Validate their efforts and show genuine interest in what they have to say.

Our kids also learn by example, so be sure to model independence in your actions.  Let them see you problem-solve, make decisions, take care of daily tasks and they will want to copy what you do.  This is a great time to teach practical life skills that will empower your child, such as dressing themselves, brushing teeth or prepping simple meals.

This may take a bit longer, but it is super satisfying as a parent when your child does things for themselves and it gives your child the freedom and independence they crave.

Believe in your child.  They are capable.

Lots of love

Antoinette

Fierce Mama

We have just had Mother’s Day and I want to remind all you mama’s, you are the best.  It may not feel like it because this is a hard journey, but the fact that you show up day after day is testament that you have what it takes.

We didn’t go into this with a lot, if any, strength or perseverance, these are things we had to learn along the way.  Do not discount these traits, they are admirable no matter what others say. 

We are not absent parents’, in actual fact we are switched on 24/7 and always looking for ways to make it better for our children.  Whether other people see that are not, is none of our business.  Let others have opinions about us, we have other things to focus on.

All these things that we have learned as mama’s to our autistic babies, do not just apply here, they spill over to the rest of your life, your work/career, your relationships.  These are things we can never unlearn.

You are strong. 

You are beautiful.

You are filled with love.

You are fierce.

You are dedicated.

You are a warrior.

You are also soft and feminine and deserve your own care and attention.

Keep going.

All my love

Antoinette

Fear

One of the emotions that a lot of my clients deal with when they get a diagnosis of autism, is fear.  I am sure we all feel fear at one point or another in this journey, I certainly do.

We fear that our lives are irreparably going to change, we fear that we won’t know what to do and how to help our children, we fear what will happen to our children when we are no longer there, we fear for our children, that they will be treated well by others and the list goes on.

There is not much we can do about the outside world and how this impacts us or our babies, but we have full control of ourselves.  Fear is not a bad thing, it is just a feeling and we can change it if we want to, we can also use it to fuel us to take action.  We don’t want it to rule our lives though.

Fear is just a feeling, which means you can feel it and still make good, amazing decisions for you and your child.  Perhaps explore what you are the most fearful of and make a plan to negate it as much as possible.  Get help in the area that you worry about the most.  And this is the best you can do.

I also want you to believe that your child is absolutely capable of being independent in this world and thriving.  I want you to believe that you are a great parent and you will do everything in your power to make this happen and to create a life that you love.

Don’t let fear stop you.  You are more powerful than you think.

All my love

Antoinette