Feelings Matter

As parents, we often feel like emotional detectives.  We want to crack the code on our child’s emotions, understand what’s going on inside them and help them express those feelings.  But when you are the parent of an autistic child, the emotional landscape can feel like uncharted territory.  The “normal” signs we look for – a smile, a frown, a meltdown – might not always appear in the way we expect.  That can leave us feeling like we are missing something important.  But just because emotions might look or sound different does not mean they aren’t there.

I want to take you through a journey that has been both humbling and enlightening for me – encouraging emotional expression in my son and learning that in the process, discovering so much about myself too.

Feelings Matter

Before we can encourage our children to express their emotions, we have to check in with ourselves.  Let’s be honest – parenting is an emotional rollercoaster on a good day.  When you add autism into the mix, it can feel like that rollercoaster is upside down and moving at 200m/h!  I’ve had days where I’ve cried in the bath, smiled when I wanted to scream and laughed when all I really needed was a nap.

So, let’s start with this:  It’s ok to feel what you feel.  There’s no manual that says you need to be perfectly poised at all times.  We often focus so much on our children that we forget we have emotional needs too.  And if we want our kids to feel safe expressing their emotions, they need to see us modeling it.  Show them that emotions aren’t something to be afraid of.  It’s ok to cry when you are sad and it’s ok to laugh when things get too heavy.  Allowing yourself to feel everything – the good, the bad and the “I don’t even know what this is” – opens space for your child to do the same.

When it comes to encouraging emotional expression in your child, creating a safe and accepting environment is key.  Remember, safety isn’t just physical, it is emotional too.  Your child needs to know that no matter what they are feeling -anger, joy, frustration, excitement – it’s ok to express it and you are there to help them through it.

Feelings Matter ~ Blog by Antoinette

One thing I’ve learned is that our kids often express themselves through actions long before words. My son might not always say “mad”, but I notice he starts pacing deliberately and sets his jaw, that is my cue.  We have to be emotional detectives, but with a twist.  Instead of looking for the typical clues, we tune in to their unique ways of communicating.

A safe space also means that no emotion is off-limits.  It is easy to encourage happiness and laughter, but frustration or sadness?  Those can be a bit trickier.  However, it is important that our children know it’s ok to feel those emotions too.  In fact, some of the most meaningful connections I’ve had with my son are during moments when he is feeling vulnerable.  He may not say, “I’m upset”, but by simply sitting with him during those hard moments, without trying to “fix” it immediately, he knows that this feelings matter.

Here are some practical tools that can help us encourage emotional expression in our children.

• Autistic children often think in pictures rather than words, so having visual aids can be a game-changer. Using emotion cards or charts that depict different feelings can help your child point to what they’re feeling when words fail them.
• We hear about routine all the time, but it’s not just about structure, it’s about emotional security. Knowing what to expect gives our kids a sense of safety, which makes it easier for them to express themselves.  Think of it this way:  if the world feels predictable, then there is more room to explore the unpredictable emotions.
• This is a big one: modeling your own emotions.  We tend to bottle up our emotions in front of our children because we want to appear strong and in control. But your child learns from you.  If you’re feeling frustrated, its ok to say, “I’m feeling a bit frustrated right now, but I’m going to take a deep breath and calm down.”  You are showing them that emotions are natural and manageable, not something to be feared or suppressed.

I’ll admit, there are days when it feels like progress is slow – like you are putting in all this effort and the results are barely visible.  But here is what I have learned:  celebrate the small wins.  Maybe your child pointed to a picture of a sad face when they were upset or they let out a little giggle when you were playing.  These moments are golden.

Feelings Matter

It is easy to focus on what’s not happening, but I encourage you to flip the script.  Every small step toward emotional expression, no matter how tiny, is a victory worth celebrating.

In the end, it isn’t about forcing our children to communicate in a way that fits into our world – it is about meeting them where they are and learning their language.  And in that process, we often end up learning a bit more about ourselves.

I see you.  I feel you.  You are doing an incredible job, even on the days when it feels like you are not.  This journey is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.  Take it one step, one expression, one deep breath at a time.  Your child is teaching you, just as much as you are teaching them.

And hey, if all else fails – there is always chocolate, right?

Till next week

A

Xxx

A lot of the work I do with my clients is emotional

Often they get results they don’t want or they try to do things that just don’t align and are not sure why, it all comes back to emotions and how they are thinking. If this is you and would like to learn the tools to help you be a calmer, more in control parent and move your child forward, sign up for a free consult and I will help get you there. Click HERE.

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